): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
