Please, let me fuck your mom
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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