You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
