I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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