it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Barsexuality is the new black.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
