Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
