Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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