I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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