We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
