Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
