Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize