have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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