Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
ttyl tear gas
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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