I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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