I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize