At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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