anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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