okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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