I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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