Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
