Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
