If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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