my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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