And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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