I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
