i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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