why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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