I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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