If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
