i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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