wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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