Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
