thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
