Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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