the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dignity is for republicans.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
