Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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