Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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