The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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