I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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