I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize