So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
