your parents love me but you hate me
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The uberlube is also flammable
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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