We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
