hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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