Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
