Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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