I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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