there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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