I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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