my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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