im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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