I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize