If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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