I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
