everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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