i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
