you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
