why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
