In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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