i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You made out with two different species that night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
