I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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