I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
