brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
