Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
and you fell through a lawn chair
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
