It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
